I Want

I am in the thick of life right now. I am standing in that place that is infuriatingly delicious: my heart is a bombed-out wreck of new life. I feel the tension of the Now-and-the-Not-Yet. There is a lot of death right now. More pride to be put to sleep, as the euphemism goes.

I realize that marriage invites two people to look at each other and say, "No, it was 100% my fault" and "Yes, I 100% forgive you" and mean it from the bottomest place of the heart, in truth. And in the midst of the saying and the listening and the hearing, the percentages fall away and Grace makes it 1000% HIS fault and we fall on our faces, trembling, grateful and speechless.

What I have just described is impossible. And yet "I can do all things through Jesus Christ who gives me strength." The Now-and-the-Not-Yet.

I want a marriage that reveals a little of the mystery of Christ to the world. If my marriage even gives people a glimpse of the mystery of Christ's love, I will die well in my soul.

I want a life that invites people to rest in God. To simply be in the presence of God and not worry about the rules or the shortcomings or the ugliness or the failings, but to just look "full in His wonderful face" and see themselves as they are.

I want to mother in a way that is nurturing. I want to create a home that is a refuge for my son. But not a refuge in which to hide; rather, a refuge in which he fills up with love, courage, stamina, daring, empathy, strength and wisdom so that he will move back into the world and be a man of strength and grace, loving God with his all.

I want to be a wife that invites her husband to be the man God created him to be in the world. I want to surround him with love, respect, affirmation, kindness and tenderness. I want to be a help-meet that co-shoulders the burdens and co-celebrates the triumphs. I want to create a home that is a place of rest so that he goes out into the world and penetrates the darkness with the light Christ has lit in him.

I want to be a counselor who is content to sit with a person and watch for God. I want to be a safe place for the Other to encounter what God has to give. I want to fight for their hearts and wrestle with their questions . . . because they will often be my own questions, too.

I want to be a daughter (-in-law) that honors, heals, serves and receives graciously.

I want to be the Beloved, to fully take on the all that Christ has given as a result of His death and resurrection. I want to walk in faith that "He who began a work in me is faithful to complete it." I want to revel in the delight of a God who "rejoices over me with singing" and not worry so much about all the ways I am not what I think I should be. I am tired of failing myself.

I want. And the wanting leads me to follow God into the hard places to confront things that keep me from living as the Beloved of God.

I want.