Last year at this time, I was still trying to walk straight after delivering Thaddeus! No one tells you (or at least none of my friends told ME) that my pubic bones were going to spread so far apart that walking more than 10 feet would cause excruciating pain for almost one year post-birth!
But I that's for another post.
Relationships in my life are shifting. No. Not shifting. They are exploding. Great foundational changes are occurring. This includes my marriage, my family ties and my friendships.
In this post, I want to talk about the latter.
Four-and-one-half years ago, I stepped back from a significant relationship in my life. Well, actually, two significant relationships: one was my (first) marriage, the other a friend. This post is not about my (first) marriage and that stepping back (aka divorce).
At the time the friend was pursuing a course that I thought was harmful to himself and those who loved him. Because of my own story, I reached a point where I could not--at that time in my life--continue to walk with him. With pain and frustration I told him I could not be in relationship with him.
What made it so difficult is that he played a very important role in my life. I used to say he was like a wonderful older brother. But really, he was a father-figure. And at a time I needed him, I felt my father-figure was disappointing me. It was crushing and painful and all kinds of awful things. I cried for days.
Over the years much has happened in my life: I have remarried, I have a baby, I am close to a graduate degree and I have a private counseling practice. At each place I have missed my friend, my father-figure.
Over the years, I have matured. I am stronger and more able to be wounded on behalf of another. I know more of my own weakness and foolishness and need for grace.
I continued to keep tabs on him. I wondered if I had lost him forever. I dreamed about him. I asked God to work it out. And I waited.
Today I called him to ask if, when I was in town in a few weeks, I could take him to lunch and apologize to him. I didn't want to apologize for my convictions and weakness, but rather for how I loved my convictions and weakness more than him. So after checking with a friend to see if an overture might be welcome, I dialed the old familiar phone number.
Voice mail. Curse you, Voicemail!
I left a stuttering message, invited him to call me back, and waited.
Twenty minutes later the phone rang ("Jesus Take the Wheel" is my ringtone!). It was him. Before I could launch in, he stopped me. "Before we go any further, you don't need to apologize to me. It's in the past; let's let it stay in the past and start from here. You did what you had to do. I admire the straightforward way you let me know what you could and couldn't do. So unless you need to say something to me, let's move on. You don't need to apologize to me." (paraphrased)
Is there anything more humbling, alluring, overwhelming, healing . . . indescribable than grace?
I. Could. Hardly. Breathe. What could I possibly say?
Mercy is when you don't get what you deserve (in the form of punishment or consequences). Grace is when you do get what you don't deserve--in the form of kindness, blessing and love.
Grace has been called the Mark of the Christian Believer. It is the thing that distinguishes us, supposedly, from others. Today, I sat at the knee of a master.
U2 has an amazing song about grace. It is my anthem for 2006.
***
Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name
Grace... It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything
Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside... of karma
When she goes to work, you can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace... She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings...
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty in everything
***
Grace is to be more than a philosophy, a theology or a perfume.
It's to be a way of life. It's to be my way of life. I got off the phone and I wept.
To My Friend: Thank you. I love you. Welcome back. xoxo
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